Build Me Up Buttercup, Don’t Break My Heart


Craig was a strange man. I didn’t know how to read him at all. He was nothing like my dudes and he was nothing like the usually guys I dated. Sure he had the dating criteria, goals, ambition, college degree and an added boon of a nice sensible car, but he was different.

And yes, I had a list of dating criteria. I had a strong sense of worth at twenty and I also knew exactly what I wanted in life. I was going to work, travel and eventually meet the man I was going to marry. We’d have a few years together, then some time in my thirties we’d have kids. Dating to me was just an interview process for marriage.

With that being said I didn’t think I would meet my husband for years to come but I still wanted to limit the dating pool to guys with goals, ambition, and a college degree.

I realized the college degree was hypocritical of me that made it no less mandatory. As a rule I didn’t date frat guys or military men. The longest I would date a guy was three months so as not to form any emotional attachments to someone I could never see myself marrying. I never understood long term relationships with no future. Mr. Rightnow instead of Mr.Right. What’s the point?

It wasn’t anything to do with that. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. What was with this guy? That’s when I realized. He didn’t have any porn.

Okay, maybe it’s because I hung around so many guys, but when I went to Craig’s house I expected to see at least a dirty calendar if not a forgotten playboy. His room was typical to any twenty something bachelor. Tapestries on the wall, incense holder on the dresser, bed a queen sized mattress on the ground, old love seat was covered by an old Mexican blanket. No porn. Not between the mattress and the box spring, not hidden in the closet or drawers.

I know because I looked. You can tell a lot about a guy by the shit he jerks to. When I found nothing I was beyond curious.

We had been dating for around a month, we hadn’t had sex yet which was nice and understandable because he still hadn’t broken up with is girlfriend in the south.(I’ll get to that in a minute) Yet the lack of porn made me wonder. Was he closet gay? Did he even know he was gay? I was concerned.

On the one hand I was really into this guy and he could be unable to fully reciprocate my growing attraction because he was gay. On the other hand he could be a prude. A super, no porn watching prude who was either sexually repressed or just not that interested in sex.

I mean, what kind of guy didn’t have even one dirty mag? Was I dating a serial killer? He didn’t need a dirty mag because he got off on the feeling of death by his hand? I know that’s an extreme leap but come on. No porn?

I wasn’t a nympho by any means, but I loved sex. I was discriminant with who I slept with but I was far from celibate. Even if I had only been with one guy I knew I could never be with a guy that thought nothing of abstaining from porn.

I put my fears and concerns on the back burner. Craig’s girlfriend of the past three years was coming to town with her best friend. He was finally going to break up with her.

When I think back to this, and many other things in the beginning of our relationship, I’m amazed I stuck it out.

Craig felt he owed it to his old girlfriend to break up with her in person. So rather than break up with her over the phone or go down to Auburn himself, he let this poor girl and her best friend spend the money to come up to Wisconsin to visit him. *palm to forehead*

I advised against this. He said that they had always wanted to come to Wisconsin, that it was a vacation for them.

I think the only reason they wanted to come to Wisconsin was to see where Craig was from, where he grew up and meet his family. I think had this girl known she was going to get dumped she would have rather skipped the trip.

As it was they arrived in town a few days later in time for dinner. Craig picked them up from the airport and took them out to eat where he promptly broke up with her, in front of her friend at a restaurant. She cried and he left to go outside and call me. I’m so glad that we never broke up. Craig was doing a horrible job.

I was touched that in his distress the first person he thought of was me but I was kind of feeling bad for his now ex-girlfriend he left crying at the table. I had heard the horror stories about her from many of Craig’s friends. She wasn’t exactly the sweet damsel in distress. None the less, she had traveled all that way only to be brutally dumped. Craig had been extremely honest and then he told her he was seeing someone else.

That ‘someone else’ was on the other end of the phone urging him to go back in there and deal. He still had to take them to his mom’s house, where they were staying for their visit, if the break up wasn’t awkward enough.

For three days he tried to avoid spending time with his ex and for three days I tried not to think of the fact that this girl was in town, possibly trying to win back my boyfriend.

I was having some irrational jealously and some very rational insecurities.

I don’t even like to watch the Bachelor. How had I gotten into this type of situation? I had never been the possessive type and it was making me uncomfortable to say the least. I couldn’t understand it. I was feeling so territorial over a guy I had been dating a month. A guy that at that moment could have been sharing a last kiss with the girl he had dated for the past three years.

He didn’t kiss her. At least that’s what he’s told me and I tend to believe him. By the time of the break up I think his dislike of her was enough for there not to be much chance of any heart felt goodbyes.

The three days were finally over. I’m sure the ex and her best friend were even more relieved than I. Craig had a visible weight lifted from his shoulders.

Now we could finally move forward with our relationship without the cloud of his past hanging over our present.

The whole porn thing had moved from out of site to out of mind. At that point I was more worried about being the rebound. It’s only natural that I, being the harbinger of the end of their relationship, would also serve as the transition girl.

We were coming up on the three month mark. This was a serious time of contemplation for me. Do I stay or do I go? I had a rule never to date a guy I couldn’t see a future with for over three months but truthfully guys rarely made it past the one month mark. I was really torn on what to do. That’s when the universe sent me a sign.

Me, Craig and Craig’s good friend Korvin were hanging out at Craig’s house, about to watch a movie. Craig had left the room to get drinks or a pizza and Korvin and I were about to put Jackass into the DVD  player when we noticed it already had a DVD in it. The movie? A scintillating Jenna Jameson flick.

Korvin wasn’t exactly a ladies man and was still pretty shy around me. He tried to cover for Craig quickly removing the DVD.  I think he thought I was going to freak out. I guess there are plenty of chicks that would have freaked out.

I was ecstatic. He watched porn. He wasn’t gay, a prude or a serial killer.

Later I told him about my concerns when I couldn’t find any porn and he showed me his hiding place. His room had a crawl space door I had missed. Had I seen it and opened it I would have found the mother load of Hustlers he had stashed in there. Not Playboys, dirty raunchy Hustlers. My mind and heart were at ease. We were going to be alright.


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